3) What is the role of bonds in stress?

Bonds are what bind us with others. Bonds are made up of memories of events between us and the people we associate with. When the emotions related to these events are good, we have positive bonds(+). When the emotions related to these events are bad, we have negative bonds( - ) .More the positive bonds between two people, the more close they feel to each other and more they love each other. More the negative bonds between two people, the more they feel apart and more they hate or dislike each other.

Both the positive and negative bonds have one thing in common. They die out gradually unless they are renewed constantly. However, positive bonds die very fast. Negative bonds die very slow. One negative bond can destroy many positive bonds. For example, one single act of unkindness on my part might destroy my long-standing good relationship with my client. A person will remember an unkind word a lot longer than a kind word.

Positive bonds are created between people when they spend a lot of good time together. Young couple of opposite sex form positive bonds when they enjoy doing things together. They make more bonds by indulging in various activities such as eating together, going to movies, walking, sleeping together, kissing, making love, etc. Couple who do not constantly renew their bonds by doing these things together, regardless what the reasons are, grow apart because the bonds holding them together weaken and die out after a while. Many couple are also driven apart by negative bonds created by their arguments, fights, bickering and feuding.

When we lose someone we are bonded with, we experience loss. Loss leads to grieving, which is nothing but releasing painful emotions brought on by broken bonds. Greater the level of bonding, the more one grieves over the loss.

Between any two people six levels of bonding is possible. One can elevate or lower the level of bonding. To elevate the level, one has to add positive bonds. To lower the level, one has to give up bonds which means one has to grieve a little.

Level 1: Total stranger. There is no bond between strangers. When you hear about the death of a person you do not know, you are not going to grieve. Bonds : Zero.

Level 2: Acquaintance. You know this person but you have no close ties. Bonds : One plus. If you lose this person, you feel a little grief.

Level 3: Friend. You know this person well. You have been through many events together. You like to be with this person. Bonds: Two plus. If you lose this person, you would grieve significantly.

Level 4: Close friend. You have shared many, many pleasant events together. You like this person very much. You are comfortable with this person and you are willing to share your intimate feelings with this person. Bonds: Three plus. If you lose this person, you would grieve a lot.

Level 5:Romantic friend. You are in love with this person. You think of this person almost all the time. When you think of this person your heart might skip a beat, your stomach might feel a squeeze or you might sigh a lot. Bonds: Four plus.

Level 6: Spouse or significant other. Your bond to this person is strengthened by your life-long commitment to this person. You are very, very close to your spouse unless of course you have also created a lot of negative bonds. You share many, many memories together. As children come along, your bonds strengthen and multiply. This type of relationship can occur between gays and lesbians also. The bonds between these people are often stronger than between heterosexual couple. Bonds : Five plus. Loss of this person can cause extreme degree of trauma to the survivor.

When couple grow apart, the bonds that brought them close have withered away. This happens because the couple has failed to create new positive bonds. Separation and divorce naturally follow. Sometimes this process could be one sided, the other spouse being completely oblivious to the problem. I have seen countless men and women who were shocked to find out that their spouses wanted out of the marriage when they thought everything was going well. A middle aged man held two jobs and got involved in another business. He found little time for his wife. What little time they spent together was marred by his complaining that she was ignorant of the business she was running for him. One fine morning his wife told him that she wanted out of the marriage. He was devastated. Over the years, unbeknownst to him , she had reduced the level of her bonding to the point that he became a mere acquaintance to her. Besides, she had accumulated many negative bonds also. She found another man -a man who paid more attention to her- to attach her bonds to. By the time her husband realized his mistake, it was too late. I like to tell my clients the fact that every person has two jobs: His/her regular job and his/her spouse.

The secret of any good relationship is this: Do and say things that make the other person happy (create positive bonds); don’t do or say things that you know makes the other person unhappy (avoid creating negative bonds).

4. What is unfinished grief?

When the dead person is someone regarding whom the surviving person has secret or not so secret anger or guilt, grieving become difficult. When this happens, the survivor remains in a chronic state of grief due to the balloon remaining inflated.

A 58 year old woman’s husband died suddenly without a Will. Throughout her marriage to him, he had kept her in darkness about his financial dealings. He treated her like a housekeeper. When he died, she knew nothing about the status of their property and money. Her simmering anger toward her husband for leaving behind a big mess kept her from shedding tears over his death. She remained in a chronic state of grief for several months before she saw a counselor. In counseling she first talked about her anger toward her husband. Then she grieved over his loss and got on with her life.

A 45 year woman lost her 15 year old daughter from a serious case of flu. Even though she had taken her daughter to the emergency room promptly, the daughter died a day later. Her guilt over the death (“I should have taken her to a bigger hospital”) kept her from completing her grief. Only after she ventilated her guilt and convinced herself of the inevitability of her daughter’s death was she able to finish the grief process and move on with her life.

5. What is anticipatory grief?

When we are about to lose someone dear to us, we experience anticipatory grief. We might find ourselves feeling sad, tearful, sleepless, tired, etc. If the dying person has been ill for a long time, our grief could also be prolonged. Some people might experience anticipatory anxiety along with anticipatory grief, or by itself. Stress of watching slow death of a dear one adds to the grief.